Posted by Visionary on September 15, 2000 at 13:07:25:
"What exactly is a 'Cask of Recent Weather'?" Visionary asked the Ausgardian shopkeeper curiously.
The old immortal squinted at him, appraising his appearance. "By opening it, one can call forth any weather pattern that didst pass by within five days past!" he said with a grand gesture. "Tis one of the greatest treasures of all of Ausgard!"
"Um... then why is it in your half-off bin?" Visionary noted suspiciously. He really wished he understood the exchange rate between earth and Ausgard a bit better. He only had twelve 'golden Wodens' on him (what he called them, anyway... the real name required a bit more work to pronounce) and so imagined he needed to be frugal. "What do you think?" he asked the microscopic robot on his shoulder.
"I think he has you pegged as a tourist" Fleabot noted. "I told you that you'd stand out... See anyone else wearing shorts?"
Visionary was forced to admit that he might have a point. Aside from being a good head shorter than even the women of Ausgard, he was the only person he had seen on the streets who was not wearing rather ornate armor with various horns and other prongs extending quite a ways from their helmets. He was amazed that more of them didn't accidentally lock headgear with each other as the bustled down the busy marketplace. The one time Visionary had tried the native look, he had managed to get his antlers caught in one of Donar's chandeliers.
"I meant about the present" Visionary responded, turning the small ornate cask over in his hands. It looked suspiciously like the words 'Made in Taiwan' had been rubbed off the bottom. "Do you think that Donar would like it?"
"Doesn't the big guy already control the weather?" Fleabot pointed out. "In which case, it would really just be an ugly cigar box."
"Well, what would you suggest I buy him as a thank you gift?" the frustrated Regular snapped. "We really should come up with something for letting us stay with him, especially after what Yo's bunny did on his bearskin rugs..."
Fleabot tapped his minuscule chin. "What kinds of things does he usually give for presents, himself?"
Visionary pondered that. "Hmmm... While I'm not entirely sure on the details... but I think at Lisa's shower he might have given her... um... part of his soul" he noted lamely, looking back to the cheap wooden box he was contemplating. "Of course, Lisa might have just been trying to make me feel bad enough about the gift I gave her to guilt me into emptying the diaper disposal..."
"Yes, well... your reputation for crappy gifts aside..." the robot said dryly, "Maybe we should play it safe and stop looking in the bargain bins, eh?"
Visionary sighed in defeat. "I suppose so." He set the box down and looked up towards the sweltering sun. "Aren't Vikings supposed to live in cold climates?" he grumbled. "How do they keep from passing out in all that leather, metal and fur?"
"Might I mayhaps interest thou in a 'Girdle of Intestinal Fortitude', lad?" The shopkeeper interjected. "Thou couldst sorely use one, methinks."
"What?" Visionary asked, trying to translate.
"He called you a wuss" Fleabot pointed out helpfully. "An incontinent, cross-dressing wuss at that."
"Oh... no thank you." Visionary replied politely. All in all, that wasn't nearly as bad as what most of the Ausgardians had been calling him. He wandered away from the stall and back out into the bustle of the marketplace. Navigating it proved to be dangerous, as most of the natives were more than willing to walk straight through him if at all possible. The exertion of weaving through the crowd wasn't making the day any cooler. It was then that he spotted the pub. "I need to get out of this heat and sit down a while to think through this whole present thing" he decided, making his way to the entrance.
"Um... are you sure that 'The Bloody Bone and Gristle' is really the best place to do that?" Fleabot asked, eyeing the establishment suspiciously. "I think I saw a 'McBuliwyf's' down the street... we can get you a troll burger and a shake..."
"Come on, after everything we've been through today, how bad could it... be?" Visionary's voice faltered as every helmeted head in the dingy establishment turned with an audible creaking of leather and oiled steel until they were all fixated on him. Quite a few of those heads were missing an eye, and almost all had rather magnificent battle scars bisecting them. The extremely large, bearded Ausgardian behind the bar looked him up and down.
"Cute knees" he noted.
to be continued... Monday, most likely.